


Violence at the Petting Zoo

by Fifthnameattempt



Category: Naruto
Genre: Animal Transformation, Gen, Poor Yamato, Rokudaime Hatake Kakashi, This is nonsense but it was very fun to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:20:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28116834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fifthnameattempt/pseuds/Fifthnameattempt
Summary: When a twenty foot long, hundred-fifty pound snake drops out of the ceiling and onto the shoulders of the noble Hokage in his own office in the heart of Konoha, Kakashi observes its cold eyes, flickering tongue and scales so black they’re almost blue in the light, and thinks he might be able to get away with ignoring the problem for a little bit longer.When the snake immediately makes a lunge for the oversized rabbit – all white except for its dark eyes and black-tipped ears and paws – that sits placidly under the desk and continues grooming its ears without a care in the world, Kakashi sighs in resignation.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 40





	Violence at the Petting Zoo

**Author's Note:**

> One day I'm going to write up a proper... something exploring the Sai and Sasuke post-canon dynamic and why I think it would be weird and tense and interesting. Until then, I'm going to keep having seeding little drabble ideas out into the world and hoping that it inspires more people to think about it, too.

When a twenty foot long, hundred-fifty pound snake drops out of the ceiling and onto the shoulders of the noble Hokage in his own office in the heart of Konoha, Kakashi observes its cold eyes, flickering tongue and scales so black they’re almost blue in the light, and thinks he might be able to get away with ignoring the problem for a little bit longer.

When the snake immediately makes a lunge for the oversized rabbit – all white except for its dark eyes and black-tipped ears and paws – that sits placidly under the desk and continues grooming its ears without a care in the world, Kakashi sighs in resignation.

He holds back the snake by its head with one hand and signals for his ANBU guard with the other. The snake doesn’t struggle, but a hundred-fifty pounds of muscle and force stay coiled and ready to spring. _I could eat you whole, you asshole_. The rabbit shakes out its newly clean ears in a motion that could only be referred to as vain and stares back with one, ink-black eye. _I’d like to see you try, mother fucker._

Kakashi sighs again. Some things just don’t change.

“Yes, Hokage-sama?” A familiar voice asks and Kakashi smiles up at the cat-mask that appears, kneeling in the middle of his office.

“Maa, Tenzo, I think our adorable little teammates have gotten themselves into trouble.”

“Don’t call me that when I’m in the mask.” Yamato groans and straightens. Kakashi could point out that speaking in such a way to the Hokage was just as out of line as using an ANBU’s name while they were on duty, but wisely chooses not to. “And we don’t have a team anymore.”

“I need someone to pick up a few things for me.” Kakashi says thoughtfully as though he has not been scolded at all and with no regard for the giant snake slowly curling its body around his torso. “There’s a rather large snail with a pink shell, trailing ooze, and probably still making its way to the tower from my compound. Oh, and a freakishly loud fox trapped under a sound-proof barrier in my backyard.”

Anyone watching would have recognized Yamato by the way he places his head in his right palm as if shoring himself up against a wave of intense pain. That would be the migraine setting in.

“You saw a giant fox, a giant snail, and a giant snake and didn’t think to alert the guard until now?” He asks as if afraid of the answer.

“Not at all.” Kakashi says pleasantly. “I didn’t think to alert the guard until the snake went for the rabbit under my desk.”

Yamato walks around the desk and Kakashi makes room for him to take a look, which conveniently pulls the snake out of striking range. He sighs again. “Hello, Sai-kun.”

The rabbit twitches its nose in acknowledgement and takes two hops forward, allowing itself to be gently scooped up and lifted into Yamato’s arms. “You shouldn’t pick fights with your comrades.”

The rabbit lets out a dismissive sneeze at the same moment at the same moment the snake hisses vindictively. _I didn’t start it_.

Kakashi absently pats length of the snake’s body that he can reach with his free hand – noting, in the process, that it was getting pretty snug around his torso – and absently wondered which one of them was lying. Maybe neither of them were. Maybe all dark-haired pretty boys were destined to forever do battle until only the darkest, prettiest boy remained. It’s an amusing thought and Kakashi chuckles over it silently while half-listening to what Yamato’s saying.

“…send Eagle to get Naruto and Sakura… something in her lab might… if you don’t start… turn you into…”

“Now, now, Yamato.” Kakashi interrupts just before his ANBU captain has a chance to actually commit treason by threatening the life of his Hokage. “I think I’d make a wonderful dog. They take lots of naps, you know.”

“You don’t deserve to be a dog.” Yamato says dismissively and that honestly, actually stings worse than any threat. Kakashi’s distress must show in his eyes because Yamato’s defensive posture relaxes and he says, “Can you at least tell me why you didn’t alert us right away?”

“Well, busy morning, you know. And frankly,” Kakashi shrugs as best he can with all that weight on his shoulders. “It was pretty funny.”

The snake is _definitely_ too tight now. Kakashi winces, but admits he deserves it. He should have made Tenzo take the hundred-fifty pound murder machine if he was going to make jokes.


End file.
